One night while I was by the sea last week, alone in my beautiful room overlooking the beach and the English Channel, just before midnight, I hit ‘Publish’ on the second edition of my book of poems, Hidden Hints, on KDP, Amazon’s self-publishing software.
I was a tiny bit nervous, but this had been a loooong time coming.
If you are the daughter of a covert narcissistic father – meaning someone who has put you down, criticised you, gaslit you AND NO ONE saw it, heard it or understood it – this book is for you.
I am not a born poet but these poems had to come out of me and had to be published, as the first step towards a life of full-time writing and publishing and towards helping as many women as possible with the issues resulting from being the daughter of a covert narcissistic father.
I now believe with every bone in my body that this is my mission, my deeper purpose, my magical destiny.
For the last 7 months (to the day!), I have been hiding behind a pen name and the first version of the poems (Kindle only), which came out on 25th December 2019, the day before the 6th anniversary of my father’s death.
Now I can’t hide any more.
I wanted to protect my mother.
I wanted to protect my daughters.
But now a global pandemic has happened and has exposed, for the world to see, some of the issues that have been around for centuries, or even millennia, and I want to be part of their dismantling.
Now I believe my daughters SHOULD know about my father and my relationship with him, and realise how lucky they are to have the great father that they do have.
Now I believe my daughters SHOULD know about patriarchy and narcissism and about the damage this has caused over the last millennia, and I SHOULD show them how it has damaged ME, affected me and made me more determined than ever to help other daughters of narcissistic fathers (covert or overt).
Believe me when I say my father’s death didn’t solve anything in my head or my body – it only created more pain, more discouragement, more anger, more hatred, more agony and more doubt. But it was also an opportunity to heal fully. It took 5 years, but I got there in the end, partly thanks to these poems – a cathartic writing journey.
Interestingly, the pandemic showed me my shadows yet again and I feel that in 3 weeks last month (June 2020), I went through EVERYTHING I had already gone through with my dad over 37 years. It was a VERY intense few weeks and I thought I was losing my mind. I even had thoughts of suicide (I know I would never had done anything about them, but they crossed my mind a couple of times), and of leaving everything and everyone behind, because I felt I was failing at ‘wifing’ and at mothering, and in some ways at daughtering too.
And suddenly, after those 3 very uncomfortable weeks, these feelings and thoughts left me and I was like renewed, rebirthed.
I believe I am actually only NOW truly healed.
But is there perhaps yet another layer to uncover?
The unconscious and what goes on around us never cease to amaze and surprise me, so who knows.
I do feel better than ever, and therefore 100% ready to help other women heal from the damage done by their narcissistic fathers.
If, for you, it was your mother, I am of course able to help you (in fact, all the women I have supported so far are all daughters of narcissistic mothers, very interestingly), but I want you to be aware that what I know best is the situation of a woman who had a covert narcissistic father specifically.
If you want to know more about my experiences, look for Hidden Hints on Amazon – you’ll find my book of poems (NOT on Google, I am not on the first page (yet)!). I am specifically not giving out the direct link because the more people look for the book title (or, even better, the topic of ‘narcissistic fathers’), the higher my book will rank on Amazon. Reviews will help too, so if you feel called to, do write a review once you have read the book 🙂
But most importantly, let me know if you recognise yourself in at least some of them, email me here.
And if you would like to be part of a 3-month group experience from Monday 7th September till Monday 27th October (8 sessions altogether), a journey through the 7 chakras, illuminating all the ways in which your father’s narcissism impacted you, your life, your relationships and your business, email me here too. It’s going to be deep, transformational work, for only up to 6 women.